Sad

Well, this post is hard to type. Gulp. And not something people put out there very often. But I'm going to. I actually think it'll be therapeutic for me.

The day before New Years Eve (is that New Years Eve Eve? Ha, I dunno), we were surprised to find out that we were expecting a Mini-Madonna #3! I say surprised. Other words might be thrilled, shocked, giddy, exhilarated, nervous, overwhelmed. But happy and excited definitely! Three children - how lucky! What I've always wanted, and what a wild ride we're going to be in for!

I then spent all of January sick with morning sickness. Really sick, just like my prior pregnancies. Jake was a CHAMP and did EVERYTHING for the girls because I couldn't stand any smell even remotely near a kitchen. It was rough. And I need to plan something special for Valentines Day this year to thank him for that time.

And then came our confirmation doctors appointment. We had waited a month to reach this point - we couldn't wait to see our little bean on ultrasound and then announce our news to friends and family. Especially the Big Sisters to be!

But, we did not have a good appointment. In a nutshell, our baby was measuring correctly but did not have a heartbeat. It was, obviously, very sad. I keep using the word 'sad' because I can think of no other better. Disappointing, heartbreaking - many others are close, but truthfully, just sad.

I'm going to sign off now. I could start to go on about how I'm doing both physically and emotionally, but I won't. Know that I'm OK. Jake and I BOTH suffered a loss, but we're OK. We're so eternally grateful for the beautiful, healthy, happy children we DO have that it feels wrong to sit around and cry over this one. But, nevertheless, it was a sad loss.

Goodbye my little bean, you will be in my heart forever   xxxx